(Hello there fags and dykes, guess what?  Your favourite classic games reviewer's gonna have a shot at the new shit with a bit of an edge to it so hope you don't mind me switching tracks for some extra +50 hits.  Enjoy and hope you still like how I write!)

MODERN GAMING

Assassin's Creed
Developer:  Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher:  Ubisoft
Genre:  Action-Adventure Stealth
Year:  2007
System:  Xbox 360, Playstation 3


History is pretty much the carving stone of humanity and the world.  It shapes us by our beliefs by long-held traditions and sociopolitical climate, it shapes our bodies by the environment and diet we have at hand as well as occupations.  Even in the old days there were jobs that while are awesome to be, are just so full of danger and paranoia it's not even worth it.  Of course if we didn't jump into danger now and again what'd happen?  Yes, we'd all be stuck in Africa freezing to death from the ice age barely out of sabretooth tiger clothes.  But let's not think THAT far back and go a bit more forward in history from then.

Story - Assassin's Creed takes a twist to the old "fictional character in historical society of old times" plot.  Instead it's "Modern-day person regresses into a fictional character in historical society of old times".  See what they did there?  Huh?  HUH?  Added the middleman before everything else, didn't expect that did ya?
You are Desmond Miles, a bartender who is of a long bloodline of assassins dating back to the days of the Third Crusades at the end of the 12th century (if you're not sure what time this is, think of the Templars and Robin Hood era).  A scientific organisation (who might have either tempted him with free cake or just went and kidnapped him and had the cake for themselves) has decided to use him for a special subject in the Animus, a machine that can trace someone's ancestry via genetic memories that contain the history, memories and instincts of one's race.


Into the main meat of the game, you are Altair (which is pronounced as "al-tie-ear" but I always say "al-tay-er"), a member of a brotherhood of assassins who fight against the Crusades with the plan of slaying nine different historical figures who were in some way supporting the Crusades in the four main cities of Damascus, Acre, Masyaf and Jerusalem.  Apparently according to Ubisoft, all nine figures of history did disappear or die in 1191 though in real life they were not so young and virile but rather old and sickly.  So that's extra points for as much historical accuracy as a Dr Who episode intro and it might calm down the Islam world a bit more when they can relax to a nice night of virtual Crusader murdering, like how Western people relax to a good night of killing virtual extremists in Call of Duty.

Gameplay - Firstly the controls have to be said on this game.  There is a wide variety of abilites you can pull off as an assassin.  You can either walk through crowds of people somehow blending in despite the fact you're the only one wearing a white robe and more daggers than Edward Scissorhands, or run if you really don't need to care about that.  You can be able to run up walls and climb them at various parts throughout the many cities with a maddeningly maze-like layout that is actually rather fun to work on.  Traversing narrow planks, running up towers, climbing to the very top and watching all across the city and land in a breathtaking view of the old world.
It's like when Peter Parker first got his Spider powers, you just feel the whole city is your own stony playground, complete with bad falls when you just hold that A button wrong and you lose half your health (which is kinda weirdly described in this game as "synchronisation with your ancestor" and makes it sound like a bad Star Trek holodeck malfunction episode, you know, the ones where Data looks like the ghost of Elliot Ness).


There is also of course blending in.  By pushing down a button you can go into "high profile mode" meaning you're gonna run and draw attention.  Low profile mode is when you're being inconspicuous.  The same goes for when you're on horseback and galloping from city to city, and you must go into low profile mode past guards, as the moment you step up a trot notch, they just get all suspicious, like a London Underground policeman.  Okay actually it's about five seconds before they usually react, so you last longer than a Brazilian in the Underground.
As well as that, there are a variety of weapons.  For single or few opponents there is the sword.  For more larger battles there is the short sword and throwing knives.  And lastly the weapon you'll love the most, the hidden blade which retracts in your fist.  One punch into the neck and one target's dead, and is also the perfect assassination weapon of that era.  Hell it would work now if you manage to get past metal detectors....and magnets because they'd probably rip your hand off.

While the main plot of the game is tracing through your ancestor's memory by assassinating all the nine targets, there are a number of side quests to lengthen the game, because otherwise this would just be Splinter Cell Crusader.  Firstly, there's the always-loved quest of collecting different flags throughout the land, including Templars, Saracens, Jerusalem Crosses, Hospitaliers and King Richard's.  Secondly there is the fun task of killing Templars stationed throughout the land, marked out usually by their red cross shield.  If anything it'd be suitable revenge for The Da Vinci Code.  FYI, Broken Sword did it before the book, better and shorter too.
And lastly, there is the task of saving citizens in the various cities.  Which has a beneficial effect for your nefarious activities when each citizen's rescue from guards will incite vigilantes to come to your aid and slow down the progress of any guards chasing you.
Of course all is not easy within the city concerning the populace.  See if there's one thing you're gonna hate about this game, it's the citizens.  Not the ones you save, but the ones you want to kill.


There are three particular types of citizens who you are really gonna hate.  Firstly, the beggar.  Poor sad looking women who just want a bit of money.  They will hound you for a little while and you can easily walk from them, or just grab and throw them away from you.  The real problems with them is two things.  They can mess up your assassination by being in your way and you ACCIDENTALLY kill the beggar (unless you locked on to your assassination target that is, but it happens), and if you are trying to get away from them by climbing, they throw rocks at you.
Yes, beggars are ballsy enough to throw rocks at you, a shady man with four blades strapped on his body.  I think regardless of the penalties that deserves a dead beggar, don't you?
When I first met them and was just about to kill my first target in the game, and this stupid bitch kept begging all around me and wouldn't leave me alone at all, I thought I might stab her accidentally by the controls.  Yeah...."accidentally".  Somehow I didn't, because there is a lock-on function that lets you focus on one person instead of hacking anyone within 6 inches of you.  I know this is just for background colour but for fuck's sake, how stupid or desperate is a beggar to beg for money from a guy with more blades than the Iron Chef?

Now, the second type of person to deal with are thugs.  Thugs are either skinny dweeby looking runts who punch you when you get near them, or larger well-equipped ones who LOVE to get involved in ANY fistfight you're engaged in and pretty much make your interrogations a real pain in the neck if they're around.  On the upside, the larger thugs do have throwing knives you can pickpocket from if you run out of them.
And the third citizen to deal with, who I hate the most personally, is the drunk.  All they really do is push you while ambling around drunkenly.  It gets very annoying very quickly when you are TRYING to keep a low profile walking away from a recent guard battle or blading in the crowd (the same goes for when skinny thugs punch you and your cover is broken).  But the worst place for these foul-breathed bastards is Acre.
See, Acre is by the sea.  I found out quite soon that Altair cannot swim.  Altair gets pushed into the water by the docks by a drunk.  Five times in the entire time I was in Acre the second time.
You WILL kill them, and despite the big penalty to your health bar/synchronisation bar, you will feel it was worth it.  Save yourself time and grab them first, then push them into the water.  It's VERY fun and stress-relieving.


The main assassination targets can only be revealed by a discreet variety of missions including reconaissance, pickpocketing and eavesdropping.  The fact Altair has white clothes means that he can hide among scholars as a perfect opportunity to become anonymous and render all searches on him to be stopped (even though he may well be the only scholar with several swords on him, perhaps).  It can go all well until you meet some certain characters, like the beggars and the drunks.

Graphics - The big eyesore of the game is naturally the four ancient cities, all of which have been lovingly rendered full of annoying guards who the moment you slip out of low profile love to chase you down (to be honest it takes about maybe 5 seconds or so for them to notice, on and off the horse), mumbling marketers who are just background colour and worse of all extremely annoying ragged beggars who INSIST on flapping around you like moths around lamps and well, the saddest thing is you have to grin and bear them until you can jump onto the rooftops.

The scenes are gorgeous though, the lighting is very nice and it really does feel like the Middle East back then even though no one can really say that nowadays in full honesty unless they actually did regress to back then.  Nevertheless it's impressive to see entire cities and mountainscapes spreading before you from the top of a watch tower.  The neatest thing about graphics, and perhaps the worst part of the story for some however, is the cutscenes.  When you are watching it, sometimes there is a glitch in the Animus program that lets you regress back to this age, which allows you to see the scene from another angle, movie-like rather.
It's a nice choice but Metal Gear Solid 3 have rather already done this.  And unlike Metal Gear Solid where we expect long cutscenes that take longer than a Chuck Jones Tom & Jerry cartoon (they feel longer because they're not funny), Assassin's Creed has it more annoyingly so because as much as this is a stealth game like Metal Gear, it will be irritating for some.  But then the kind who do find that annoyingly slow probably hate Metal Gear Solid anyway for being slow and so don't care about story but rather racking up guard kills.


My only real problems with Assassin's Creed in terms of graphics is the somewhat limited animation of enemies, in the sense that they're not only not that high in AI, but also rather die in the same way.  You will have perhaps 7 death animations in combat, there's very little variation in fights and the enemies pretty much will think "if he's closer than half a foot away and he's fighting someone else, I'm gonna strike".  That's not to say they're stupid entirely.  Later on in the game they become more experienced and some of them become quite hard to deal with.  They can grab and throw you, parry strikes much more easily, even dodge and strike expertly.  So at least there's a challenge here.
Another thing that is a bit annoying is that there are no subtitles for the cutscenes.  So pretty much most of the time I am following directions from the map and not listening to people.  Also, the cutscenes are unskippable, which is even more annoying when you wanna be stealthy but wanna be MOVING when stealthy (though you can move during cutscenes which is a nice little interactive touch).  At least in the Metal Gear Solid games they could be skipped.  You'd miss the plot yes but some people don't care about the plot, people like a choice between learning a story and playing a game, not being shoved into one choice alone.

Music/Sound - What with all the focusing on assassination you're not gonna give a damn for the music.  But what you do hear of it is rather fitting of the game's environment.  Nothing is more fitting for the game then a good mixture of some Arabian music from slow muslim chanting to fast paced drumming with the occasional European influence reflecting the Crusaders' presence in the Holy Land, when you run down corridors and dodge into side alleys to scale up walls, it almost gets you feeling like the first song of Disney's Aladdin but you're probably gonna be a lot more clumsier and less talented at singing (if you actually do make up words to game music, not that I do, oh god no, nope not me no way nohow).
As for sound the main focus is voice acting.  The voice acting is good, and it should be when you will be hearing a LOT of it.  A professional cast offer a greater depth into the game after all.  So at least you can perhaps appreciate that while you keep tapping the start button listlessly in the hope it just might skip at that bit, but nope nope it won't.


As much as Assassin's Creed is slow in an annoying way more than Metal Gear (but then stealth was never meant to be quick, but then I don't know how they do their jobs), it DOES have an original entertaining story and we finally have something that's NOT Splinter Cell from Ubisoft.  Instead we have Splinter Cell: Medieval.  But without Tom Clancy.  Which is ALWAYS good.  If you can bear with the mindless citizens below you, that's great, go and try it.  But I recommend one thing.  Stick to the rooftops.  The streets are no place for an assassin, as the game will love to teach you.

Fun and Innovation - 3
Replayability - 2
Gameplay - 3
Presentation - 4

Thanks!  I'm glad I still got it with the modern ones too.

Yeah, looking forward to the new release stuff.