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Rank: Penguin Editor in Chief
Groups: Newsie, {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/15/2006
Posts: 594
Points: 486
Location: Scotland, Geographical Penguin Shit
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Hello all! Sorry for being absent for so long, I was happily pissing away with nothing to review. To make up for it, I got this and reviewed it all in a weekend for you to read. The Scottish version will come up after this post. Enjoy!
 (The rebirth of a legend, or the dark stain upon a classic?)
MODERN GAMING
GoldenEye 007
Developer: Eurocom
Publisher: Activision
Year: 2010
Genre: First-person shooter
System: Wii
Remakes are a dangerous thing to do. Sometimes in videogames they're pulled off tremendously well such as Super Mario All-Stars where nothing is changed except the graphics. Other times, they can be horribly ruined like Frogger. A more complex game, such as Goldeneye, is a difficult task to remake, a game that has been rendered immortally a classic by console gamers, moreso for those who did not experience first person shooting from DOOM or Wolfenstein. So how did Eurocom handle remaking the Rareware licensed classic? Lemme tell ya.
Story - The entire story is essentially the same as the movie, in fact the remake follows the story more closely than the original did. 007 and 006 arrive at the Archangelsk Dam in Russia to deal with a weapons facility believed to be targeting British embassies around the world.
006 gets killed and Bond heads off to hunt down General Ouromov's plans for an EMP-resistant helicopter, tracking it to Barcelona where it is then involved in a massacre at a remote Siberian base, Severnaya, where an experimental satellite named GoldenEye had its controls at. If you saw the movie and remember the original game, then little is different other than having some deeper story and less shooting.
Gameplay - Firstly, let's make one thing very clear. A LOT has happened in the world of games since the N64 game in terms of physics and AI. What was once revolutionary at the time is now commonplace all over. Sniper zooms, enemies ducking behind cover, alarm systems, reacting to shots upon individual body parts. They were all awesome back then, but now we expect to see them.
And the remake has all of that, just like every other shooter for the past 5 years. There's a wide variety of weapons from the original games, now given their proper namesakes, so you do literally now have the AK-47 to wield and such. The controls are supported by all four kinds of controllers (Wiimote, Wiimote & Nunchuk, Classic and Gamecube). Let's not even bother with the Wiimote alone, cuz seriously, I don't think you're going to be able to handle a first-person shooter with a Wiimote on its side.
 (Just another day in the frozen lands of Severnaya....I wish)
The classic controller and Gamecube controller are pretty similar in aspect, with the classic being less sensitive than the Gamecube in terms of looking around, so it is a preference up entirely to you. Personally I prefer the Gamecube controller for its simplistic layout that makes the game very easy to control. The wiimote and nunchuk has controls similar to that of Call of Duty 4: Reflex, which may be a good or bad thing to you. The aiming is quite good, the nunchuk is pretty responsive to moving you around all over.
Hell you might even prefer it over the Gamecube controller for the sake of this, you feel quite light in being able to whip out your weapons and shoot wherever so any fault of aiming will entirely be your own. That's the controls covered.
The gameplay itself.....okay, I'm going to be straight up honest with you. If you have played a first-person James Bond game in the last three years, this is not any different. I'm sorry but it's not. They reskinned the levels a little, changed the layout a LOT more, but it's just another Activision Bond game. Don't get me wrong, it's not a terrible game, on its own merits it's actually a pretty decent shooter, scratch that, a pretty decent shooter on the Wii. And that's saying something for sure.
There are a lot of things you can do in this, you can melee enemies, subdue them from behind, use a pretty badass SmartPhone to take pictures and hack systems, as well as have some kinda epic QTE moments such as riding a motorcycle to reach a plane before it hits the bottom of the valley.
The enemies are actually pretty intelligent in this game, even on the easy Operative mode. They hide from you cleverly, they shoot around corners, they circle around hallways and stairways to sneak up behind you, it's actually refreshing to see enemies that actually think by themselves to such a level of being able to take you down legitimately so.
The objectives are sometimes a little unclear on higher difficulties however, due to the fact you have to actively bring out the SmartPhone manually so and scan around the room. At least you're not forced to do so, but if you don't complete all the objectives, you don't get to do the next mission unless you want to do it on a lower difficulty.
Patronising yes, but that happened in the original too so can't blame them for that. The missions themselves are also now longer, more complex and actually have a little more relevance to the progress of the film.
 ("So on your insurance report you wrote cause of accident as JAMES BOND." "Ah huh?" "......yyyyeah we don't cover that.")
Now we come to the multiplayer. Holy shit, the holy grail of GoldenEye was the multiplayer, cuz there was nothing better on a Sunday afternoon to do than to grab the controllers and shoot your friends or blow them up with mines. That was the shit. You remember when you could pick ANY James Bond character, choose any layout of weapons you want from the start and just have fun?
Well FUCK YOU because you don't get that from the start. You get James Bond of Duty: GoldenEye Reflex Edition. It works EXACTLY the same way. I'm not even shitting you. People come, online against each other in a variety of layouts, and you have experience points. Obtaining the experience points by being generally awesome unlocks new weapons and characters over time.
Now....let me just say this. THAT IS NOT GOLDENEYE. THAT IS CALL OF DUTY. If this was an original Bond game like that other one called Blood Stone coming out around the same time, I wouldn't mind this. I wouldn't mind the Activision smear of generic Bond-coated shooter or the Call of Duty-based multiplayer. That's not a bad thing IF it's an original game.
But this is not an original game.
This was meant to be fucking GoldenEye, with reskinned maps of a very similar layout, an untouched multiplayer that would offer the same amount of fun as the old one, and better AI. I don't even mind the fact we have Daniel Craig or that every major character's face is now different for licensed reasons, but this is the fucking insult.
 (Not pictured: Fucking GoldenEye)
I was going to call it a game that could never live up to the original but is all in all an actually decent shooter, but this is fucking insulting, I am VERY insulted by this dismemberment of the GREATEST thing about the original game, the fucking multiplayer and now it's a fucking Call of Duty clone. I HATE CALL OF DUTY'S MULTIPLAYER, I AM SO SICK OF IT.
Anyways let's move on.
Graphics - Being on the Wii you're not going to get the same mastery of graphics as say Modern Warfare 2, so let's be a little lenient about this. The graphics are actually pretty good for the console. The characters are slightly ham-faced but that's to be expected, they still look quite good and Daniel Craig does actually look like Daniel Craig. The rest of the cast, like Bond, has had their faces replaced for the sake of licensing issues, except M who since GoldenEye has always been Dame Judi Dench, god bless her.
The levels themselves are not bad, in fact they're pretty atmospheric and vibrant with a lot of details such as rain at Archangelsk and snow flurries at Severnaya, people hustling up for colder weather, wind buffeting clothes, and the explosions can get pretty epic at some parts, especially the Runway. The runway alone as a demo could sell the game to you, but I am here to keep your mind straight folks.
So the graphics are, all in all, a solid effort, with a good atmosphere that can easily compare to Call of Duty: Reflex.
 (Just another day at Archangelsk Dam-wait I know that guy on the left from somewhere!)
Music/Sound - The musical score, while not the familiar N64 music we all remember and love, isn't terrible in itself in the same way that John Williams is not terrible. It's just....all the same. It's James Bond, so we get David Arnold and wrap things up. Moody brass for covert stuff, flaring orchestra for explosions, you get the picture.
If you heard one James Bond soundtrack since GoldenEye, you heard them all, and this game is no exception. I will say the singer for the GoldenEye theme in place of the original by TIna Turner did quite a good job at covering the theme, so that's one good thing. Marks are immediately lost however for having no subtitles in-game. Fucking. Bullshit. Now I don't give a shit about the plot with my bad ear, so fuck you Activision.
So....what can I say? On the one hand the game itself isn't a terrible game. On the other hand, it's a disappointing remake. Some of you won't be surprised by this, and you know what, fair enough. On the other hand, was it really so difficult to just update the graphics of the original and keep the multiplayer exactly the same?
How difficult can it be, someone remade the multiplayer of GoldenEye with the SOURCE Engine online, and it was AWESOME. If one small group can do that, how the fuck can Eurocom not do it? There is no excuse, except perhaps from Activision possibly tampering with the process and thinking EVERYONE loves Call of Duty stuff.
So yes, this is a disappointing remake, if you played the original, you will not be fully happy. On its own merits, it's not a bad game if you are desperate for a good shooter on the Wii. But trying to squander the name of GoldenEye, that's insulting. Fuck this game.
Fun and Innovation - 3
Replayability - 3
Gameplay - 3
Presentation - 2
(Additional referendum from the reviewer's father by his request, a late-40s man whose favourite game of all time, and perhaps the one game he is the greatest at to even achieve 007 rank, was GoldenEye on the N64:
"I remember the days when I could go back and forth on a single level, for hours, without being stopped at checkpoints, where I could just wantonly kill enemies all across the map until I got bored or they stopped spawning. Now, what's all this bullshit where I'm being held by the hand and have to ride in trucks like 006's little bitch?
All I wanted from this game, was updated graphics and the same multiplayer. I want to be able to stay for six hours on Severnaya, killing 1400 people with snipers and mines as I once did in the original game, but no, I can't do that in this game. I am very disappointed." )"Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." - Shigeru Miyamoto  Hail Slither, The Eternal Champion!
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Rank: Penguin Editor in Chief
Groups: Newsie, {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/15/2006
Posts: 594
Points: 486
Location: Scotland, Geographical Penguin Shit
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Och jesus christ, ah bin oan such a bender, lahk ah wuz sae bored aff mah tits wi' nae vidyagaems tae play or review fer all October! Ya ken tha'? Fuckin' shameful, ahm so sorry aboot that gang, ahll try tae be mair consistent lahk ah wuz afore. Anyways, les git it oan.
As per Blahooligan's idea, here is the review in full audio Scots = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkS2WFdrekQ
Unlisted for you asscocks.
(The rebirth of a legend, or the dark stain upon a classic?)
MODERN GAMING
GoldenEye 007
Developer: Eurocom
Publisher: Activision
Year: 2010
Genre: First-person shooter
System: Wii
Remakes are a dangerous thing tae dae. Sometimes in vidyagaems they're pulled off with aplomb such as Super Mario All-Stars where nuthin's changed except the graphics, or even mair like wi' Pokémon Gold/Silver. Other times, they can be horribly shunted like Frogger. A mair complex game, such as Goldeneye, is a difficult task to remake, a game thas' bin rendered immortally a classic bah console gamers, mairso for those who didnae experience first person shooting from DOOM or Wolfenstein. So how did Eurocom handle daein' up this beauty from Rareware doon in Bastard England? Lemme tells ya.
Story - The entire story is essentially the same as the movie, ken what, the remake follows the story mair than the original did. 007 and 006 arrive at the Archangelsk Dam in Russia tae deal wi' a weapons faciliteh believed to be targeting British embassies around the world. Now ah normally wouldnae mind this kinda shit tae the English but that includes the Scots as well so fuck that!
006 gets malkied deid, and Bond heads off tae hunt doon General Ouromov's plans for sum EMP-resistant chopper, tracking it tae Barcelona where it's roped up in a massacre at a remote Siberian base, Severnaya, where sum experimental satellite named GoldenEye had its controls at. If you saw the movie and remember the original game, thenthere's nae fuckin' difference other than having sum deeper story and less shootin' aboot.
Gameplay - Firstly, les make one thing very clear. A LOT has happened in the world of games since the N64 game whut wi' physics and AI. What was once revolutionary at the time is noo commonplace all over. Sniper zooms, enemies duckin' awa' behind cover, alarm systems, reacting tae bein' shot at upon yer individual body parts. They were all awesome back then, but noo we expect tae see them.
And the remake's done all of tha', just like every other shooter for the past five year. Thur's a wide variety of weapons from the original games, noo gi'en their proper names, so you literally goat yersel' a fuckin' AK-47 tae wield an' such. The controls are aw supported by all four kinds of controllers (Wiimote, Wiimote & Nunchuk, Classic and Gamecube). Les no' even bother with the Wiimote alone, cuz seriously, ah dinnae think yer gonnae handle a first-person shooter with a Wiimote on is side.
(Jus' lahk Scotland. Freezin' mah baws aff an' shootin' wankers in anoraks)
The classic controller an' Gamecube controller are pretty much the same with the classic being less sensitive than the Gamecube in terms of havin' a wee lookaboot, so is entirely to you. Personally ah prefer the Gamecube controller for its simplistic layoot that makes the game very easy tae handle. The wiimote an' nunchuk's goat similar controls like Call of Duty 4: Reflex, which may be a good or bad thing tae yae. The aiming's nae bad, the nunchuk's pretty responsive tae moving yae aroon' the place.
Fuck yae might even prefer it over the Gamecube controller cuz you feel quite light, ken, in being able to whip out your weapons and shoot wherever so any fault of aiming will entirely be yer ain stupid sel'. Right, thas the controls covered.
The gameplay itself.....okay, ahm gonnae be straight up wi' you. If you played a first-person James Bond game in the last three years, this isnae any different. Ahm sorry but it's no'. They reskinned the levels a wee bit, changed the layoot a LOT mair, but is just another fuckin' Activision Bond game. Now dinnae get me wrang, is no' a terrible game, on its own merits it's actually a nae bad shooter, scratch tha', a nae bad shooter oan the Wii. And thas saying sumthin' fer sure.
There are a lot o' things you can dae in this like gie'ing enemies severe malkies, subduin' 'em from behind, usin' a pretty fuckin' nice SmartPhone tae take pitchers an' hack systems, as well as have sum sorta epic QTE moments such as riding a motorcycle to reach a plane afore it hits the bottom of the valley.
The enemies are actually pretty clever in this game, even on the easy Operative mode. They hide from yae, they shoot aroon' corners, they circle aroon' ha'ways and stairways tae sneak up behind you, is actually refreshing tae see enemies that actually think bah themsel' tae such a level of being able tae take you doon, an' no' lahk a cheatin' basturt.
The objectives are sometimes a wee bit muddy on what to dae on higher difficulties however, due to the fact that you have to actively bring oot the SmartPhone manually so an' scan aroon' the room. At least yer nae forced to dae it, but if you dinnae complete aw the objectives, you dinnae get to dae the next mission unless yae wanna dae it on a lower difficulty.
Patronising aye, but tha' happened in the original too so cannae blame 'em fer tha'. The missions themsel' are noo langer, mair complex and actually have a wee mair relevance to the progress of the film.
("So yer sayin' that fer yer insurance you claim JAMES BOND." "Aye, cuz ken what, he did this FUCKIN' SWEET JUMP over the train an' then KABOOM ah dinnae ken WHAT the fuck happened, ah mean did he like blow the fuck oot of mah train fer just jumpin over it or summat, so....aye can ah git sum insurance on that?" "......Fuck no.") Now we come to the multiplayer. Holy shit, the fuckin' holy grail of GoldenEye wuz the multiplayer, cuz there wuz nuthin' better oan a Sunday afternoon to dae than tae grab the controllers and shoot your friends or blow 'em up with mines. That was awesome. You remember when you could pick ANY James Bond character, choose any layoot of weapons yae wan' from the start and just have fun? Well FUCK YOU SONNY cuz you dinnae get that from the start anymair! You get James Bond of Duty: Fuckin' GoldenEye Reflex Piece of Shite Edition. It works EXACTLY the same way. Ahm no' even shittin' you, an' ah fuckin' wish ah wuz. People come, online against each other in a variety of layoots, and you have experience points. Obtaining the experience points by being generally awesome unlocks new weapons and characters over time. Noo....lemme jus' say this. THAS NO' FUCKIN' GOLDENEYE! THAS FUCKIN' CALL OF DUTY!!! If this was sum original Bond game like tha' other one called Blood Stone comin' oot aroon' the same, I wouldnae mind this. I wouldnae mind the Activision smear of generic Bond-coated shooter or the Call of Duty-based multiplayer. That's nae a bad thing IF it's an original game. But this is not an original game. This was meant to be mah fucking GoldenEye, with reskinned maps of a very similar layout, an untouched multiplayer that would offer the same amount of fun as the ahld one, and better AI. Ah don't even mind the fact we have Daniel Craig or that every major character's face is noo diff'rent for licensed reasons, but this is the fuckin' insult. [center] (No' pictured: Fuckin' GoldenEye) Ah wuz gonnae call it a game that could never live up to the original but is all in all actually nae bad a shooter, but this is fucking insulting, ahm VERY insulted by this dismemberment of the GREATEST thing aboot the original game, the fuckin' multiplayer and noo issa fucking Call of Duty clone. I HATE CALL OF DUTY'S MULTIPLAYER, AHM FUCKIN' SICK OF THIS SHIIT! Anyways les move ahn. Graphics - Being on the Wii yer nae gonna the same mastery of graphics as say Modern Warfare 2, so les be gentle aboot this. The graphics are actually pretty good for the console. The characters are a wee bit ham-faced but thas tae be expected cuz, see hear, they still look quite good and Daniel Craig does actually look like Daniel Craig. The rest of the cast, like Bond, has had their faces swapped oot fer the sake of licensing basturt suits, except M who since GoldenEye has always been Dame Judi Dench, gawd bless 'er. The levels themselves are nae bad, in fact they're pretty atmospheric an' vibrant with lotsa details such as sprayin' wi' rain at Archangelsk, snow flurrying lahk fuckin' Glasgow airport at Severnaya, people hustling up in the cald fer colder weather, wind buffeting claes, an' the explosions fuckin' rock yer world at sum parts, especially the Runway. The Runway, oan its ain as a demo, could sell the game to yae, but ahm here to keep your mind straight folks. So the graphics are, all in all, a solid effort, with a good atmosphere that can easily compare to Call of Duty: Reflex. [center] (Jus' anuther day at Aberdeen, fishin' fer-wait ah fuckin' know that guy on the left! See him in the anorak, ah ken him from somewhere, didnae ah see his sister in Arbroath pissed oot her heid at Ahld Smokey's Smokies?)
Music/Sound - The musical score, while nae the familiar N64 music we aw ken and love, isnae terrible in isself in the same way that John Williams isnae terrible. Is jus'....aw the same. It's James Bond, so we get David Arnold and wrap things up aw hunky dory. Moody brass fer covert stuff, flaring orchestra for explosions, you get the pitcher.
If you heard one James Bond soundtrack since GoldenEye, you heard 'em aw, an' this game is nae exception. I will say the singer for the GoldenEye theme in place o' the original bah TIna Turner did a smashin' wee job at covering the theme, so thas one good thing. Marks are immediately lost however for having nae subtitles in-game. Fucking. Bullshit. Noo ah dinnae give a shittin' cunt aboot the plot with mah bad ear, so fuck you Activision.
So....whut can ah say? On the one hand the game itself isnae bad. On the other hand, is a disappointing remake. Some of you are nae surprised by this, an' ken what, fair enough. On the other hand, wuz it really sae difficul' to just update the graphics of the original and keep the multiplayer exactly the same?
How difficult can it be, someone remade the multiplayer of GoldenEye with the SOURCE Engine online, and that wuz fuckin' AWESOME. If one sma' group can dae that, how the fuck can Eurocom not do it? There's nae excuse, except perhaps that Activision possibly jimmied aroon' with the process thinkin' EVERYONE loves Call of Duty stuff.
So aye, this is a disappointing remake, if you played the original, you will not be fully happy. On its own merits, it's nae a bad game if yer desperate fer a good shooter on the Wii. But tryin' tae squander the name of GoldenEye, thas a lotta shite. Fuck this game.
Fun an' Innovation - 3
Replayability - 3
Gameplay - 3
Presentation - 2"Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." - Shigeru Miyamoto Hail Slither, The Eternal Champion!
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: Ogamer, Registered User
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I. Fucking. Love. This. silverwasp wrote:Be careful what you wish for... I have 10 younger siblings and I am only 20....
Yes.... Same parents WarMachine wrote:meh...maybe if he hadn't been handed a burning house he could have done great things, but right now he has won the Prize for what? Damage Control?
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Rank: Polio Power!
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Posts: 502
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Location: in a pathetic world of fleshies
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embedded for fucking glory. this makes em so happy, words cannot describe. Bah Weep Granah Weep Ninny Bong
This is the Narwhal.
Denne er narkval
Hvor er narkval?
Where is the narwhal?
Lykkkelig liten narkval!
Happy Little narwal!
This has been Conversational Norwegian with Freakazoid.
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Rank: Penguin Editor in Chief
Groups: Newsie, {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/15/2006
Posts: 594
Points: 486
Location: Scotland, Geographical Penguin Shit
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Nae problem man, wuz fun tae hauv a wee blether aboot sum game an' gie a wee rant aboot it. Incidentally, should I carry on doing it like this? "Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." - Shigeru Miyamoto Hail Slither, The Eternal Champion!
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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....But the nintendo promotional video full of faggot focus groups said this would be the shit?! booo fuckin' hoooo. nice review, btw.
Quote:
"Who the fuck is Leon Switch and why does he know we have a dog?" - Mrs. Giller
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Rank: Penguin Editor in Chief
Groups: Newsie, {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/15/2006
Posts: 594
Points: 486
Location: Scotland, Geographical Penguin Shit
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Original review has been updated with a special referendum from my father, whose favourite game of all time was GoldenEye. In short, he says:  "Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." - Shigeru Miyamoto Hail Slither, The Eternal Champion!
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