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Rank: Penguin Editor in Chief
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Giller [GwDR wrote:in Keeping with the western theme, can we please get a review of Custer's revenge next?
 (Wish. Fucking. Granted)
AWFUL GAMING
Custer's Revenge
Developer: Mystique
Publisher: Mystique
Genre: Platformer
Year: 1982
System: Atari 2600
Every medium has a shameful era where the worst of the worst would pop up, or at the very least, it can be put down to a specific year if said medium has not lived very long. For videogames, many will say that 1982 was the worst year of videogaming history for many reasons, all of them being awful awful videogames that were either incredibly tasteless or just blatant ripoffs. There was also the fact that multiplatform existed where you can get Q*Bert on six consoles THAT WERE ALL THE FUCKING SAME.
But let's ignore that and head back Westwards to a most shamefully symbolic game highlighting the true point of the lack of quality control in this era of videogames.
Story - You are General George Armstrong Custer, legendary US Army officer and cavalry commander in the American Civil War and the Indian Wars. He is most remembered for the Battle of Little Bighorn, a disastrous defeat of the US Army against Native Americans, literally his last stand. Despite being the icon of the white man's violent aggression towards Native Americans as well as laughably hilarious defeat, he should more be remembered for having progressive views and a significent battle prowess.
Don't worry I'm going somewhere with this because this game has no story. See, despite being at the bottom of his class, Custer got promoted to Brigadier General at the age of 23, one of the youngest in the entire Union Army, and also was publicly defiant against President Ulysses S Grant's anti-Indian policies, even testifying to Congress about the abuse of Indian Reservations, which almost cost him his job. So, despite his most infamous moment, he was if anything, more a friend to the Native Americans outside of war than other white Americans were.
Now, keep this in perspective when I tell you the plot of this game.
 (The legendary US General about to feast upon the lamentations of his enemy's women)
You are General Custer, you cross a battlefield dodging arrows from Indians, so you can rape one of their women tied to a cactus. There are few things in life that can be more blatantly misunderstood and put in so totally the wrong direction than this game. It's like Michael Vick sponsoring Nintendogs, or Mark Wahlberg in anything that doesn't involve attacking black people or the Vietnamese in some fashion.
Graphics - This is the Atari 2600, you'd be lucky to even make out their nose let alone a throbbing penis. At least you can recognise what the arrows and cacti are, and which of them is a woman. It's the one who's being raped while tied to something.
I don't know if homosexuality ever did occur in the Wild West, I have not seen Brokeback Mountain but that doesn't count because that's set in modern times, though I have read quite a few gay cowboy stories so I dunno if homosexuality is more prevalent among cowboys than any other occupation, maybe cowboys are like the giraffes of human occupations because apparently, giraffes have a higher level of same-sex relations in mammals than any other.
But Fagonomics aside, this is definitely a woman. Even if it was a Native American man, it would not be any better, though I dunno if men being raped is considered hotter on a wider gradient than a woman being raped, because eventually, you don't want anymore Snu-Snu.
The only way you can tell you've advanced a level is the changing scenery, presumably to tell whether it's daytime, night time and so forth. I mean seriously, what the fuck do you want me to tell you about graphics on the Atari 2600? They look like the first sketches of Lego blocks, before they even thought of making them into BLOCKS.
 (All's fair in love and war, right?)
Gameplay - You move Custer left and right across the screen, narrowly avoiding the arrows Native Americans shoot at you. When you reach the maiden, each tap of the button while fucking her gives you a point. After 50 points, you get sent to the other side of the stage again with increased difficulty, mainly the game speeds up, making it more difficult to dodge arrows. Your lives are indicated by the number of little cactus below your score.
And that's it. Seriously, there's nothing else about this game going for it. You're dodging arrows trying to fuck the shit out of a Native American, and each thrust into her Great Canyon gives you a point, which you wanna tap real fast at cuz holy shit Custer fucks at the speed of a gatling gun. Now in all fairness, the designer of the game has stated that Custer was seducing the maiden and that she was a willing participant.
Well that's fine and dandy but if that's the case, then that makes Custer one kinky son of a bitch to have this entire drawn-out sex session of other Native Americans trying to kill him to prevent him tainting the dignity of a fair maiden who's tied to a fucking post! I dunno about you, but there's something just a tiny bit off about this entire thing.
But at least the game had more fairer variations, such as Westward Ho where the women had darker skin and more openly invited Custer to fuck her. There was also a reversed version called General Retreat where a woman has to navigate past cannon balls to fuck Custer.
Also, apparently the woman of Custer's Revenge, is actually called Revenge. So....yeah, nice dodge stats there Mystique but you still failed your roll initiatve and you got hit dead-on with the videogame crash the following year.
 (What went through at least two of the Mystique game designers' heads)
Music/Sound - Oh jesus, what do you want me to write in here about MUSIC in an Atari game? Listen, you only have a few public songs which are a terrible rendition of the cavalry charge missing a few notes, the Last Post which admittedly is quite hilarious to hear when Custer gets hit by an arrow, his erection dies and it starts playing, some generic Native American drums while playing (which is honestly the best "music" in the game for giving some kind of tension and atmosphere), and lastly when you start fucking Revenge the girl, some other cavalry charge music comes in.
Seriously, how the hell can I review a game this old, in this day and age, when even the stupidest half-assed attempts of flash games on Newgrounds have better story and music than this?
I've seen some awful shit, I saw a Metroid machinima the other day with the most godawful cut-out sprites, the most blatant of spelling mistakes in it, the shittiest graphics and effects that make Windows Movie Maker projects look like fucking Avatar, and even the most fucking hair-ripping mistakes like the Grapple having the icon of THE FUCKING SCREW ATTACK.
Even THAT horrifying INSULT to my favourite videogame series ever is better than THIS insult to a historical figure, regardless of what you want to think about him. This isn't just a shitty game, it's a shitty game that debases a historical person in the worst view possible that doesn't involve personally stabbing babies.
Super Columbine RPG was better than this because at least that had good gameplay and it didn't portray anyone in a light undeserving upon them. Hell there's a LOT of games I can call better than this, though with other legendary awful games like Superman 64 and E.T well that will have to be debated another time. Because seriously, this is fucking dreadful. Music!?!? What music, I've heard the Black Eyed Peas do better music than this, AND I FUCKING HATE THEM for being the cheapest talentless blatant songthieves since Timbaland!
I could sing better than any of them when I was a toddler, AND I'M HALF-DEAF FUCKERS! Anyways, before I veer off the point, the music is terrible and the only sound that exists in the game is the kaboom of your erection dying. And by erection, I mean your soul.
 (The sun sets, along with Custer's dick and the souls of all who turn this game off after this)
Admittedly, Custer's Revenge is kind of hilarious when you don't take it seriously or if you really hate Native Americans (meaning Mark Wahlberg would probably enjoy this game since he's a racist fuck and doesn't know what a videogame is as evidenced by the Max Payne movie).
But even so, it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Regardless of the maker's intention and whether or not it's a game about rape or a game about sex, it's still a blatantly awful smear of the character of General Custer and it is also a terrible videogame that symbolises the poor quality control that almost sealed the fate of videogames forever were it not for Nintendo in 1985.
Fun and Innovation - 2
Replayability - 1
Gameplay - 1
Presentation - 1
(We'll call it a 2 for Fun if you're into that kind of thing, and Innovation in the sense not many games revolve around hate-sex involving historical figures in general)."Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." - Shigeru Miyamoto  Hail Slither, The Eternal Champion!
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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Rofl !!! I am sending you a Xmas card this year. Or maybe a sympathy card for enduring the game. What's your address?
Quote:
"Who the fuck is Leon Switch and why does he know we have a dog?" - Mrs. Giller
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Giller [GwDR wrote:]Rofl !!!
I am sending you a Xmas card this year. Or maybe a sympathy card for enduring the game. What's your address? lol, you shouldn't have said that...postage to Scotland is not gonna be fun...  Quote:Razor: As hard as one might try no one will ever be able to pull one over on Super Penguin. Backpack of Win
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FinalGamer wrote:
I have read quite a few gay cowboy stories so I dunno if homosexuality is more prevalent among cowboys than any other occupation, maybe cowboys are like the giraffes of human occupations because apparently, giraffes have a higher level of same-sex relations in mammals than any other.
LOLwut?
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Rank: Penguin Editor in Chief
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JUST TRUST ME ON THIS OKAY D: "Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." - Shigeru Miyamoto Hail Slither, The Eternal Champion!
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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DUE TO VIDEOGAMES IM GONNA GO RAPE ME AN INJUN WOMAN. silverwasp wrote:Be careful what you wish for... I have 10 younger siblings and I am only 20....
Yes.... Same parents WarMachine wrote:meh...maybe if he hadn't been handed a burning house he could have done great things, but right now he has won the Prize for what? Damage Control?
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Rank: Taco Technician
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HolyJaw wrote:DUE TO VIDEOGAMES IM GONNA GO RAPE ME AN INJUN WOMAN. My wife is part Pima Indian. Booya.
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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Rikaelus wrote:My wife is part Pima Indian. Booya. Awwwww ye-uhhhh. You ever make her wear a feather when you roleplay? silverwasp wrote:Be careful what you wish for... I have 10 younger siblings and I am only 20....
Yes.... Same parents WarMachine wrote:meh...maybe if he hadn't been handed a burning house he could have done great things, but right now he has won the Prize for what? Damage Control?
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